


Pirates vs. Cowboys

by Thatmeddlingkid



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-09
Updated: 2017-02-09
Packaged: 2018-09-23 02:00:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9635909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thatmeddlingkid/pseuds/Thatmeddlingkid
Summary: England and America argue about which of their former occupations is better. The rest of the world chimes in.





	

No one was really sure how it started, but to be honest, it probably started the same way all other world meeting fights started, through stupidity. Somehow, the normal arguments had shifted to the subject of England's notoriety as a pirate in his younger days. America, who was not impressed, scoffed at his arrogance.

"Dude, pirates are super lame, cowboys are way better!" America laughed.

"I'll have you know that pirates are superior in every way!" England snapped, his face turning red.

France draped himself over England's shoulder, rose in hand. England's face became even redder as he tried to shake the Frenchman off.

"As much as I hate Anglettere, I have to admit, pirates have a certain romance associated with them that women find irresistible," he purred. Belgium, who was listening to the whole thing, nodded vigorously.

"It's true," she added, "Pirates are super sexy."

"I hate to disagree with you," added Seychelles, much to France's horror, "but cowboys are way more romantic. Haven't you seen the movies where the two leads ride off into the sunset?"

Ukraine sighed as she pictured a handsome cowboy whisking her off. "Cowboys are so much nicer. They don't treat women like a piece of meat," she said dreamily.

"It's because cowboys aren't criminals. They're hard workers who follow the rules. They kinda have to be polite then, eh?" Canada explained.

"Not you too, Canada!" France cried.

Meanwhile, Germany, who up until then was trying his best to get the conversation back on track, thought about what Canada had said. "Maybe being a cowboy wouldn't be so bad," he thought out loud.

"But Germany," whined Italy, "being a cowboy sounds hard. I want to be a pirate so all I have to do is sail around and drink!"

"He's right, West. What's so awesome about hard work? Pirates can take what they want, when they want, and nobody can do anything to stop them!" Prussia declared. "Sounds like fun, doesn't it, Specs?"

By this time, Prussia had commenced to poking Austria on the cheek. Normally Austria would have put a stop to it, but he was too busy imagining himself playing piano in a western-style saloon. "Even though they call it the 'Wild Wild West', I can't help but think it would be a bit more civilized," he mused.

"Awww, you suck. What about you Hungary? Do you like awesome pirates?" Prussia asked, turning towards the woman.

Hungary looked from Prussia to Austria then back again. "I don't see why we have to choose. Can't we just have them make out with each other?"

"Is that a reference to Brokeback Mountain?" asked America defensively, "because that definitely did not happen!"

"Mm," Sweden mumbled as he looked at his "wife", "I like cowboys." Finland chuckled nervously.

"If Papa wants to be a cowboy then so do I!" declared Sealand loudly.

"That doesn't even make sense! You're in the middle of the ocean!" England screeched.

"I do what I want, you jerk."

England was about to say something back when he caught sight of Sweden's glowering look. He desperately looked around the room before resting his eyes on New Zealand and Australia. "You two agree with me, right?

"Sorry, mate," Australia said with a shrug, "but cowboys are cooler."

"And they get to handle all sorts of livestock!" New Zealand added happily.

"You only say that because you're a sheep-fucker!"Denmark shouted, "Pirates are a million times more badass! Am I right, Norge?"

Norway only rolled his eyes. Denmark, not to be discouraged, turned to Iceland hopefully.

"This whole argument is really stupid," Iceland deadpanned. Hong-Kong nodded in agreement.

"Well I say the best pirates came from China, aru," China boasted.

"That is debatable," Spain pointed out, "I would say that the Spanish were the most formidable. Isn't that right Romano?" Spain pinched the Italian's cheeks.

"Get off me, bastard!" he yelped.

"The Spanish? Please," England scoffed, "We Brits wiped the floor with your fleet multiple times."

"Hey, you guys are forgetting the best thing about cowboys!" America shouted, "We have guns!"

Switzerland perked up at the mention of guns. "He's right, cowboys had better weapons."

"It's like they always say, 'you can't bring a rapier to a gun fight'," Lichtenstein agreed.

"What? Literally nobody says that!" England protested, "And what about cannons?"

"Are you going to be dragging a cannon across the desert? You know, not all of us are islands," Lichtenstein replied.

"Guns may be quick, but knives are so much more fun," Belarus moaned while dragging hers across her chest in a creepily seductive manner, much to the horror of most of the nations (except for Lithuania, who watched with fascination). "Don't you agree, Big Brother?"

"Actually, Little Sister, I think cowboys are more fun. They get to pour honey all over their friends and watch them get eaten by ants." Russia smiled distantly while absentmindedly pouring a stolen bottle of Canada's maple syrup on Latvia's head. Belarus looked mortified.

"B-but Big B-brother,"

"And I bet all my Baltic friends would agree with me."

"Actually Russia, pirates sound a little better right now," Latvia whimpered, trying to avoid the syrup.

"Latviaaaa," Estonia hissed.

"Yeah, pirates are pretty nice," Lithuania quickly added.

"But Liet! We, like, totally have to be cowboys, cuz they, like, ride ponies!" Poland whined.

Lithuania, however, wasn't listening. He was too busy being stared down by Russia.

"Russia, that's ridiculous. Cowboys didn't even do that. It was the Indians," England dissented.

"Whoa, don't go bringing me into this," India warned.

"Dude, they're called Native Americans. Haven't you figured out you didn't land in India yet?" America asked.

"Well... I… uh," England was at a loss for words.

"Besides, don't go knocking Russia. If he wants to be my space cowboy bro, he can." America fist-bumped Russia, distracting him from the very relieved-looking Baltics.

"What does space have to do with anything?"

"Big Brother, why don't you want to play with me?"

"Romano, you can be my cabin boy!"

"Go away, tomato bastard!"

"Cowboys and pirates originated in Korea, da ze~!"

"No, they didn't, aru!"

"So much maple syrup… all gone to waste!"

"All my siblings have betrayed me! But not you, right Monaco?"

"Eh, they both gamble."

"I do not fuck sheep!"

"What about that one time I caught you…"

"That wasn't what it looked like!"

The boardroom soon filled with the shouts and arguments of the nations as they became more and more divided over the issue. Japan sat thoughtfully for a while before quietly getting up and making his way around the room.

Later that night, after all the nations had gone home, they realized that in each of their wallets, a note had been placed.

I say that ninjas are the best.-Japan.

**Author's Note:**

> I say cowboys are better, but I'm from Texas, so I'm biased. What do you think?


End file.
